One thing no one tells you about parenting

 

When you become a parent  and as you prepare to become a parent, many well-meaning people have lots of well-meaning advice.  There are the cliches, like “They grow up so fast- enjoy it while it lasts.  They won’t always be so small.”  There are the practical-wish-you-could-follow tips, like “Sleep when the baby sleeps.”  And there are the true-but-not-so-helpful classics, like “This is just a phase- it gets easier.”  But there is one thing that no one tells you about.  No one warns you about.  No one helps you to prepare for.  So, I’m going to help you out here.

If you are getting ready to become a parent or have recently become a parent, get ready for the injuries.  Yes, Parenting Injuries are a real and serious phenomenon.  And no one is talking about it.

Here are just a few to watch out for:

1- Your child’s head.  It is a lethal weapon.  Whether he is tossing his head backwards in what would seem like an attempt to break your nose, running at your gut head first, or going for the straight-up head butt to the face, you need to watch out for that thing.  It is enormous, nearly-indestructible, and extremely dangerous.

2- Biting.  This one is for real, people.  Whether she is excited, angry, or simply teething, your child will bite you, if she hasn’t already.  And baby teeth are sharp.  Maybe they haven’t had time yet to be worn down by chewing on their cribs or their toys or the bottom of your tennis shoe {that you forgot to put out of reach because how could a tennis shoe possibly be hazardous to your child},  but for whatever reason, those teeth can be devastating.  If you have ever been bitten by a small child, you know what I mean.  Beware.

3- This next one is serious, and it’s for the dads.  My husband could probably write a whole book about this one, but since I have no firsthand experience with this, I’ll be brief.  Dads- guard your groins.  They are a magnet for those little feet, knees, fists, elbows, and the afore-mentioned heads.  So, if you’d like to father more children and/or have a sex life sometime in the future, protect yourself down there.

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My husband, in prime position for parenting injury #3

4- Moms- I’m going to tell you the same thing about your breasts.  I never took physics in high school, so maybe that’s why I can’t understand why I take an elbow to the boob every time a small child climbs onto my lap, but somehow throughout the day, one or the other of my children is jabbing one or the other of my breasts with one or the other of their small, pointy body parts.  (Why toddler elbows are so pointy, I have no idea.)  I don’t know about you, but my ta-tas cannot withstand many more blows.

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Me, probably just having received parenting injury #4

5- Have you ever had a bad back?  Well, now you do.  And if you don’t already, you will.  I know you’ve been warned about losing your sleep, but I bet you didn’t hear anything about losing your relatively pain-free existence.  I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you, but welcome to a world of hurt.  Babies get heavy.  Toddlers get heavier.  So hit the gym, hit the pavement, get in shape, or find a good chiropractor.

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My husband and me, enjoying an adult beverage in an attempt to assuage the pain from parenting injury #5

There are many more hidden hazards in this parenting journey.  You never know where the next Parenting Injury may lie.  Protect yourself.  It’s a dangerous world out there.