The only constant is change


I’m sure you’ve heard that sentiment before.  Well, I feel like it could be my motto!  Since my husband and I met over 11 years ago, our lives have been nothing but one momentous change after another.  It started with a cross-country move for me, from Manhattan to San Antonio, 6 months after we met.  Less than a year later, we were married.  Soon, we got another dog.  Not long after that, we moved to Houston and both started new jobs.  We renovated and bought a house.  We started trying to conceive a child.  We both quit our jobs and began contract work in the interim.  We went through fertility testing.  We started attending a new church, which led to each of us accepting staff positions within a few months.  We began the adoption process, 2 years of trying to find the right agency to work with.  We became certified foster parents and soon parents of 2 babies overnight.  About a year later, we adopted our son and daughter.  Then, we quit our jobs and moved back to San Antonio, accepting positions at our old church.  It seemed like our marriage was in constant state of either crisis or major life change.  We were thankful to have the opportunity to return to San Antonio and our church there to settle into a more peaceful, less harried way of life.

We hadn’t been back in San Antonio long when we got the surprise of a lifetime.  In early May, we found out I was pregnant.  I had been feeling nauseous for weeks, and I had attributed it to allergies.  I have horrible allergy symptoms and was so sure they were back that I had made an appointment with a specialist for allergy testing.  I was so sick the last time we lived in San Antonio, and I was determined to be more proactive this time!  Mommies don’t get sick days.  My husband mentioned a couple of times that maybe I should take a pregnancy test.  I brushed him off for a few days, but the thought still lingered, so I asked him to pick one up on his way home.  He bought a 3 pack, and all 3 came up with a “?”  What???  Let me tell you ladies, that’s the last thing you want to see!  We decided to wait a few days and then try again.  Well, this time, there was a big, fat plus sign.  I had never seen that before, and, in my disbelief, showed it to my husband and sent a picture to one of my best friends, who has seen several of them.  She said “there is no such thing as a false positive.”  In my denial, I took another test (also positive) and then took to the Internet!

I Googled “false positive pregnancy test,” and, sure enough, she was right.  As soon as my husband left with the kids for school, I dropped into a chair and sobbed.  This was not supposed to happen!  For months after we adopted our son and daughter, people would say things like, “watch- now you’re going to get pregnant!”  I would laugh it off and reply with a comment about how I had heard about that happening.  Inside though, I knew that was NOT our story.  For years the deepest desire of my heart was to become pregnant, and God did a supernatural thing and took that desire away completely.  It was a miracle!  I had no desire to be pregnant.  Ever.  Was I thinking about another baby?  Sure, but that was in the future when our kids were a little older.  And that baby was going to be adopted too.  I was definitely not supposed to get pregnant.  This was all wrong.  At 38, I was way too old!  And, after months of packing, getting our house market-ready, moving, unpacking, and settling into our new home and routines, I had been eating terribly and not exercising much- I was way out of shape!  This could not be happening.

Thankfully, we returned to an amazing group of friends and coworkers who immediately surrounded us with love and truth.  My husband’s first call was to a church member who is an OB.  He said he could see us that very afternoon.  His second call was to our senior pastor, who reminded us not to “borrow worry from tomorrow.”  Though I knew he was right, I think I cried for the rest of the day until we went to the OB office.  Our doctor did an ultrasound and confirmed it- I was 9 weeks pregnant.  I cried again- this time because we heard our baby’s heartbeat for the first time.  We were in such a state of shock- I think my husband laughed the entire time we were in the office and the whole way home.  I was so full of fear and disbelief- I didn’t know how or what to feel.  Having tried to conceive for years with no answers as to why we couldn’t, I knew so many couples would consider this time a blessing, but it didn’t feel like a blessing to me.

Because we couldn’t stop laughing or crying, we decided we had to tell the kids, lest they think Mommy and Daddy had gone completely insane.  When we told them, our son’s eyes welled up with tears of joy.  He said, “I’ve been praying about this!”  And, though he was the only one, God answered that little boy’s fervent prayers in a way we never expected.  And there we were on the cusp of yet another major life change.  It took me a long time to wrap my head around the fact that I was pregnant.  Even now, at 8+ months, I still surprise myself every time I look in the mirror.  And the idea of another person in our household, in our family is so hard to imagine!  The kids are over the moon and have been playing “baby” for the last 6 months, using just about every moment of their free time practicing, through play, how to be a big brother and sister.  Their acceptance and joy about this change has slowly helped my husband and me to get on board.  I know God will continue to to grow and change me through this next season, and I am surrendering it to Him.  His plans are perfect and His way is the best way.  C’mon baby!