What not to say to someone trying to conceive

Do you know someone who may be trying to conceive? Maybe you’re wondering if they are trying, or maybe you know they have been trying. I know you’re curious, but I also know you want to be a good friend, so you may want to read this before you talk to them about it.

Disclaimer: I’m going to be brutally honest, so, if you get your feelings hurt or your feathers ruffled easily, you may want to skip this post. You will probably be offended, but, for the sake of your friend, and if you think you can take it, read on…

Here are 5 things never to say to someone who is trying to conceive:

1- So when are you guys going to have kids?
This is none of your business. Also, if the person you are asking has been trying unsuccessfully, this question is super painful. So don’t ask. If you’re wondering, ask, “how are you?” and mean it. If the person you’re asking wants to share this information with you, he/she will.

2- As soon as you stop worrying about it, you’ll get pregnant.
No. This is BS and you should never say it. This implies that the reason this couple is not able to conceive is because one of them is too “worried” about it- this person is in enough pain. Don’t make it worse.

3- Have you tried ____________?
This refers to ANYTHING you might suggest to a person or couple trying to conceive. ANYTHING. Supplements, medications, treatments, prayers, counseling, timing, sex positions, ANYTHING. You know why? Because first of all, they have already tried it. Second of all, they have not asked for your advice. So stop.

4- You do know how it works, right?
Excuse me? Yes, when we were trying to conceive, multiple people asked if we knew how sex and/or conception worked. I am serious. Don’t ask this question in any form, even if you are trying to lighten the mood or be funny. It’s not funny. And if you’re serious, just know that anyone who has had trouble conceiving knows darn well better than you do how it works thankyouverymuch.

5- Everything happens for a reason AND/OR God has a plan.
Clichés like these are often said to those who are in waiting or those who have suffered a loss. I know you mean well by saying these things, but they are not true and not comforting to someone who is in real pain. The truth is that we live in a broken world where everything does not happen for a reason. And yes, God has a plan, but God’s will is not always being done here on earth as it is in heaven. So, please avoid using these clichés. Sometimes you don’t need to say anything at all. God CAN use any situation, including waiting and loss, for our good, so pray this for your friend/s and just be there for them. Thanks for listening!

3 thoughts on “What not to say to someone trying to conceive”

  1. If I ever said any of those things to you, I am so sorry. I have felt your pain and know that hurt. But God truly does have a bigger plan and it is to bless us as you now know. It just didn’t make the waiting any easier….but what a plan and what a huge blessing! I always said He was teaching me patience. Often I can still hear Him whisper to me “We’ve been here before. Didn’t you learn anything?” I didn’t like it one bit at the time, but I thank Him to this day for my baby girls and knowing they needed me to be their mommy as bad as I needed them! I love you very much and am very proud to see you “mommy” in such a faithful and godly way!

  2. This is perfect. We also went through infertility and were asked all these hurtful questions and more and given unwanted advice, especially by people who had not experienced infertility or trying to adopt. For those who genuinely care—there is a lot to be said for shutting your mouth and listening to someone without offering advice. Well said, Alyssa.

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